Friday, July 27, 2012

Don't Bark at Jesus

With a new baby in the house, it is hard to get anything done beyond diaper changing and bottle feeding. So it is no surprise that the dogs' fur has slowly grown into the carpet as they lay around waiting and hoping that one day again they will be walked.

I have realized that the only hope they do have of ever getting out the door again is if I wake up at the crack of dawn, before Chris gets up for work and before the baby wakes up. So, in the dark, bundled up, we have been trekking out into the snow and cold wind to get our exercise. It's not ideal and we usually don't last beyond 15 minutes but it is better than two aging dogs becoming so fat and arthritic that they have to be wheeled up to their food bowls on push carts.

So we walk. And really, it's not that bad. Sort of peaceful, actually. Well, except for the other day when Maggie decided to wake the neighborhood by verbally accosting our Lord and Savior. You see, although the holidays are over, many houses still have their Christmas decorations up. One such home just up the street has a plastic Nativity complete with three-foot statues of the whole cast. In the center lies, of course, the baby Jesus. Well, Maggie was having none of it. As we were quietly making our way down the street, trying to sneak in and out of the neighborhood completely unnoticed, Maggie spots the Three Wise Men and apparently decides they must be burglars or terrorists or ugly... I don't know. But she goes postal on these plastic statues waking everyone up and giving me a heart attack.

As I dragged her away I shooshed her furiously and spit out "Don't bark at Jesus!" Later that day, it got me thinking. We have several rules which I'm pretty sure are somewhat unique to our household. Only the most recent addition to the list is, "Don't bark at Jesus." But here are a few others. And, in the interest of fairness, we have decided that these rules apply to everyone in the house equally.

1. Don't eat your poop. (Or anyone else's): If you find a pile of poo, don't eat it. No matter how hungry you are, or how appealing this poo might be, do not eat it.

2. Do not pee in your bed. (Or anyone else's): If you have to pee, resist the urge to find a bed in which to relieve yourself. No matter how tired, comfortable or warm you happen to be, no matter how far away an appropriate pee portal may be, beds are unacceptable places to deposit urine.

3. Do not let your bones break other people's bones.: If you are finished with your bones, even if only for a moment, do not leave them where others can trip on them and break a leg or ankle. Either finish the bone or keep it in a safe place where it will also avoid collecting carpet fuzz and hairs. (Because that's just gross).

4. Do not root around in the trash.: Furthermore, do not spread trash out on the floor in order to find what you are looking for. This is an activity which is strictly forbidden because it leads to unfortunate circumstances such as old rice being permanently glued to the carpet. It also leads to carpet licking which is also strictly forbidden simply because it is a dirty habit (refer to rule 11, "Do not lick the carpet").

5. Do not bite other members of the family.: This is a tough one because often there are times when you feel the other person deserves to be bitten but for the sake of peace, please refrain. Except of course in the event that a family member is trying to take your food. In this case and this case only, biting is totally appropriate.

6. Defend your food as if your life depends on it.: In accordance with rule 5, do whatever is necessary to defend your food from others in the house. (Except in cases where the lady of the house is involved, refer to rule 12).

7. Do not drag your butt across the floor.: If your butt is itching and you absolutely must scratch it, then fine. Scratch it. But under no circumstances will butt dragging be tolerated. Rubbing your butt where others walk is just plain rude. If you need help scratching your butt because you can't reach it, for instance, then ask for help. Otherwise, keep your butt off community spaces.

8. Do not lick yourself in front of company.: Licking is a private activity and should be done behind closed doors. If you must lick yourself, as in the above case of an itchy butt, do it in a room by yourself. Furthermore, do not lick yourself on other people's property, such as a pillow. It inevitably leaves a wet spot and this is unpleasant for the unsuspecting owner who happens upon it.

9. Do not wipe your snot on other people.: This is self-explanatory. Just don't do it.

10. Do not bark at Jesus.: If the Lord and his friends happen to be standing around minding their own business, do not bark at them. It is an unnecessary display of hostility towards someone who is willing to die for your sins. And believe me, if you break any of the above rules, Jesus is much more likely to forgive you before the man of the house will, so try to keep yourself on His good side.

TWO RULES WHICH DO NOT APPLY TO EVERYONE:

11. Do not lick the carpet.: Regardless of how irresistible it is or how attractive the odor, DO NOT lick the carpet.

12. Do not eat from someone else's plate.: Aside from the lady of the house, who is free to eat whatever she wants whenever she wants regardless of who it belongs to, no one is allowed to eat from someone else's plate. Period.

Now, for most homes, these rules are probably considered understood and need not be specified. However, in our house these rules are crucial to order and civility. We cannot survive without them. In the absence of these rules, I fear we would become a household of butt dragging, bed wetting, trash picking fools. This way, at least we're all on the same page.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

A Star Is Born/ Shake Your Buddha

Mariella loves to sing.  She sings in the car, in the house, and pretty much anywhere in public.  Lately she has really been picking up the lyrics on her songs.  We play CD's in the car and in her playroom which have tons of great kids songs.  She calls them "my music" and any other sound that has the audacity to leak from the car speakers is adamantly struck down and declared "not music."

One day, we were strolling around the grocery store, one of her most favorite concert venues.  She was singing "Shake Your Booty" by KC and the Sunshine Band.  Now, to be clear this is not a song from her kiddie CD's.  This song she picked up during the era of "Dance Swords."  What is Dance Swords you ask?  Ok, we'll back up a little bit.

About a year ago, we took Mariella to the Halloween store, just for fun.  They had a decent kids section so we had a look at some costume options.  We found foam swords in a bin, right next to a speaker that was playing some dance music.  Daddy picked up a sword and started dancing around and jabbing us with the sword.  Mariella thought this was just the greatest thing and "Dance Swords" was born.  We bought three swords, skipped the costume, and went right home.  Chris put an LED light bulb in the light fixture in the living room that blinked in 20 different colors and even came with a remote control.  He had gotten it for her for Christmas the year before just to stimulate and interest her.  With that, our living room disco was created and Dance Swords commenced.  We put on KC & the Sunshine Band and danced around with our swords.  Best time of our lives.

Months later, we're in the grocery store and Mariella is loudly singing "Shake Your Booty"  only she is pronouncing it "Shake your Buddha!"  I kept requesting that she sing it quietly but she didn't feel the need.  Just then, a fat old lady in a motorized cart came by and stopped near our cart.  Mariella leaned over in the basket, nodded at the woman and said "Hey, hey.  Shake your Buddha."  The woman just looked at us like our heads fell off.  "I leaned toward Mariella and whispered, "Mariella, not everyone likes to shake their Buddha."

The other day, we were walking in the park and Mariella was yell-singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" but only the Weee Ummum Oway part.  Over and over.  Again, I asked her to sing quietly to which she replied, "No I not.  I sing loud.  People wanna hear me."

The Mariella Lexicon Continued

"A Full Load"----- a dirty diaper
Opatus---- octupus
Hongry--- hungry
"You be me happy?"------ what she says when she knows mommy is not happy
"You wanna love me?"----- what she says when she knows mommy is really not happy
"Rerry not rerr come!" ----- Ready or not, here I come!
Babin' suit---- bathing suit
Heepo---- hippo
Blinket---- blanket (revised from "glee glit")
Itty Bitty Mouse----- Stuart Little
Bay Naid----- Band Aid

Dicken Around

Awhile back Mariella and I were looking for something fun to do, just to get out of the house.  It was early spring but the weather was great and we wanted to play.  So, we went to Fulton Farms in Troy.  I thought they might have some small farm animals we could feed or pet.  When we got there, they were still setting up the store for the season.  They weren't officially open yet but the girl there said there were animals out back that we could visit.  They had a very large, very disinterested pig, a pen full of goats that clamored at us like hungry zombies, and some pretty cool chickens and ducks.

Now at the time, Mariella was still struggling with some sounds and she pronounced her "ch" sound like a "d" sound.  But she was pretty excited to see the birds and went about talking to them like they were her friends.  We approached the fence and she knelt down and said, "Hey dickens, how ya doin?"  I tried hard not to laugh out loud but she just kept saying it over and over.  "Hey, dickens, how ya doin?  How you doin', dickens?  Look mommy, dickens!"

There were a lot of dickens.  They were very perky, strutting dickens.  Some were bald dickens, some not so bald.  But when the dickens started to peck at Mariella, I decided it was time to go.  We have a lot of time to deal with exposure to dickens.