Appalachian Customer Service

I have found that one of the greatest cultural experiences money can by is a trip to your local Wal Mart, pretty much any where in West Virginia or Eastern Ohio. Customer service is of a unique quality that, while I would not say is particularly good or professional, it certainly is entertaining. And there seems to be personality profiles of your local Wal Mart staff, which can be found almost as if they have been cloned, at just about any store location in the valley. Let's start with my favorite, "The Hon Girl." You know her. She's the one who calls you hon, several times throughout the process of your purchase. "How you doin' today, hon?" "Did you find everything you needed today, hon?" Sign here, hon." "Here's your receipt, hon. You have a nice day now." It is her understanding that she is being friendly and polite by giving you such an endearing nickname. You are supposed to feel like family by the time you leave the store. And, if she were at least middle aged, with grey or white hair and looking like she has at least one grandchild, this would be somewhat comforting. Especially after you just braved Wal Mart on a Sunday after church lets out.

But too often, "the Hon Girl," is not a granny. She is instead a young girl, usually at least 10 years your junior, likely with no formal education to speak of. In this instance the "hons" are terribly condescending and "The Hon Girl" ends up grating on your last nerve rather than making you feel coddled and nurtured. She comes across sounding as if she has earned some superior status in the social stucture, like she is wise and learned and you, you poor thing, need her gentle hand holding in order to navigate the daunting process of putting your items on a conveyor belt and then swiping your card through a machine. "Whew! That was way over my head! Thank God you were here to guide me through that."
"No problem, hon."

Another personality I have come to feel kindred to is "The Sharer." She's the one who feels the need to discuss, either with you or with another employee in front of you, the drama which is going on among the staff. She'll either talk to said fellow employee, talk to herself, or tell you directly how she feels about whatever injustice is going on.
"I swear. Some people. She thinks just because she's pregnant, she should get extra smoke breaks. Well, I've been here since four and I'm taking my break whether she likes it or not. My feet swell too!"

Sometimes she complains about the customer who was ahead of you. "Some people can be so bitchy, you know? I tried to tell her she can't purchase a six pack with her W.I.C. card but she got all pissed off about it. Whatever. They gotta pay me more than seven bucks an hour to put up with that shit. Did you find everything alright today, hon?"

One of the best personalities, however, is "The Manager." This name gets quotations because so many times you'll find a manager who does not really know how to manage. They have the keys to all the registers and they know how to fill out all the paperwork and to tell the employess when to take their breaks but beyond that, they're at a loss. As for professional communication skills, well really you're just asking too much. Take today for instance. I went to Wal Mart Express Tire and Lube to get my oil changed. During the "express" hour that I waited for them to get started on my car, a very disgruntled man wearing a red plaid flannel shirt and work boots came tearing into the customer service area yelling about the tires on his truck.

He flung his arms around and raised hell, apparently because he was disputing the tread measurements on his tires for an inpsection. The employee doing the inspection claimed they were too low and would not pass. He adamently disagreed. Finally, a "manager" came over to intervene. After about a few minutes of trying to explain the law and the rule for tire tread, the irate man caused the manager to blow. Within five minutes the two of them were in each other's faces, pointing fingers and screaming at each other.

"You watch your mouth sir!" said "manager."
"They do not need to be replaced, they're just low!" said irate man.
"Sir do not talk to me that way! I'm the manager!"
"I'll talk to you anyway I want and don't point your finger in my face!"
"Get out!"
"You touched my face! I'm calling the cops!"

You can guess how this episode ended. After the irate man was "managed," two police cars showed up, statements were taken, the irate man was banned from Wal Mart and "manager" stood outside smoking cigarettes and discussing his side of the story with other employees for about twenty minutes.

Again, if you're on a budget, as so many of us are these days, go to Wal Mart, not necessarily because they're prices are so low, but because it is the cheapest form of entertainment you will find and its unque cultural quality is unsurpassed.