Pregnancy Symptoms

Everything I've ever been told about pregnancy I was always sure would never happen to me. I was wrong. I thought these symptoms were for the weak, the wusses. Surely I, with my iron will and sturdy body can avoid or overcome any malfunction, ache or pain that would come my way. Again, I was sorely mistaken. The first thing to go has been my memory.

So far, I have let ATM machines eat my cards, I have driven away with my drinks on the top of my car, I have left my purse at home and have had to return for it, I have parked and after spending five minutes digging quarters from the bottom of my purse, have gotten out of the car and simply walked away from the meter. I have missed many, many appointments even though I write them down in three different places, I have forgotten to pay my bills even though I get email messages reminding me to pay them, mailed hard copies of the bill, and online bill pay. I have driven all the way to the store to return items only to get there and realize I left the items at home. Oh yes, and this is only the tip of the iceberg.

Of course it was only a matter of time, that the next thing to go would be my looks. Like Stretch Armstrong, my body has been pulled and twisted into a sorry blob. To combat this and to make myself feel a little more attractive, I recruited the help of Frederick's of Hollywood. Naively I thought this would spice up my life and boost my confidence. Oh, I have so much to learn. After spending at least an hour searching their website to find something that pregnant ladies can wear, I managed to pick two babydoll outfits. When they arrived, I couldn't wait to try them on. The first one, well, it fit. Let's just leave it at that. But the other one was a disaster. In theory, it was sexy. It had open cups for a more revealing experience. But the problem was that my boobs have gotten completely out of control. They are huge. When I put it on, instead of giving a peak, my boobs literally pushed through the holes and hung out the front. It was horrific. I mean it was like squeezing play dough through a tube. So yeah, sexy is out.

The third thing to go now is the rest of my body. Things just no longer function properly. I pee literally every ten minutes, I have constant heartburn, I suffer from restless leg syndrome every single night, I have a new pain in my back every few days, I get winded just getting up off the couch, I'm hungry every two hours, my hands and feet are swollen and sometimes my left hand will tingle a bit. I can't wear any of my pretty shoes because they are now too tight. I got my wedding ring on but it ain't comin' off. But last night I hit an all time low.

I have had a cough over the last few days and occasionally I will wake up in the middle of the night hacking my head off. Usually I'll just reach for a cough drop and after a few minutes, I quiet down and go back to sleep. Not last night. Last night, I woke up coughing so hard I almost threw up. Then it happened. I coughed so hard that I peed myself. I peed. In the bed, down my leg, it was everywhere. Still half asleep, I hobbled to the bathroom where I coughed the rest of it out and cleaned myself up.

So, I don't know what's next but at this point I'm prepared for just about anything and nothing would surprise me. If I can pee the bed just by coughing, then I now believe that my body is capable of just about anything, especially now that I'm getting bigger by the day. So much for "that will never happen to me." Been there, done that. I peed the bed. I think I have earned the right to play the pregnancy card once in awhile.