Don't Bark at Jesus

With a new baby in the house, it is hard to get anything done beyond diaper changing and bottle feeding. So it is no surprise that the dogs' fur has slowly grown into the carpet as they lay around waiting and hoping that one day again they will be walked.

I have realized that the only hope they do have of ever getting out the door again is if I wake up at the crack of dawn, before Chris gets up for work and before the baby wakes up. So, in the dark, bundled up, we have been trekking out into the snow and cold wind to get our exercise. It's not ideal and we usually don't last beyond 15 minutes but it is better than two aging dogs becoming so fat and arthritic that they have to be wheeled up to their food bowls on push carts.

So we walk. And really, it's not that bad. Sort of peaceful, actually. Well, except for the other day when Maggie decided to wake the neighborhood by verbally accosting our Lord and Savior. You see, although the holidays are over, many houses still have their Christmas decorations up. One such home just up the street has a plastic Nativity complete with three-foot statues of the whole cast. In the center lies, of course, the baby Jesus. Well, Maggie was having none of it. As we were quietly making our way down the street, trying to sneak in and out of the neighborhood completely unnoticed, Maggie spots the Three Wise Men and apparently decides they must be burglars or terrorists or ugly... I don't know. But she goes postal on these plastic statues waking everyone up and giving me a heart attack.

As I dragged her away I shooshed her furiously and spit out "Don't bark at Jesus!" Later that day, it got me thinking. We have several rules which I'm pretty sure are somewhat unique to our household. Only the most recent addition to the list is, "Don't bark at Jesus." But here are a few others. And, in the interest of fairness, we have decided that these rules apply to everyone in the house equally.

1. Don't eat your poop. (Or anyone else's): If you find a pile of poo, don't eat it. No matter how hungry you are, or how appealing this poo might be, do not eat it.

2. Do not pee in your bed. (Or anyone else's): If you have to pee, resist the urge to find a bed in which to relieve yourself. No matter how tired, comfortable or warm you happen to be, no matter how far away an appropriate pee portal may be, beds are unacceptable places to deposit urine.

3. Do not let your bones break other people's bones.: If you are finished with your bones, even if only for a moment, do not leave them where others can trip on them and break a leg or ankle. Either finish the bone or keep it in a safe place where it will also avoid collecting carpet fuzz and hairs. (Because that's just gross).

4. Do not root around in the trash.: Furthermore, do not spread trash out on the floor in order to find what you are looking for. This is an activity which is strictly forbidden because it leads to unfortunate circumstances such as old rice being permanently glued to the carpet. It also leads to carpet licking which is also strictly forbidden simply because it is a dirty habit (refer to rule 11, "Do not lick the carpet").

5. Do not bite other members of the family.: This is a tough one because often there are times when you feel the other person deserves to be bitten but for the sake of peace, please refrain. Except of course in the event that a family member is trying to take your food. In this case and this case only, biting is totally appropriate.

6. Defend your food as if your life depends on it.: In accordance with rule 5, do whatever is necessary to defend your food from others in the house. (Except in cases where the lady of the house is involved, refer to rule 12).

7. Do not drag your butt across the floor.: If your butt is itching and you absolutely must scratch it, then fine. Scratch it. But under no circumstances will butt dragging be tolerated. Rubbing your butt where others walk is just plain rude. If you need help scratching your butt because you can't reach it, for instance, then ask for help. Otherwise, keep your butt off community spaces.

8. Do not lick yourself in front of company.: Licking is a private activity and should be done behind closed doors. If you must lick yourself, as in the above case of an itchy butt, do it in a room by yourself. Furthermore, do not lick yourself on other people's property, such as a pillow. It inevitably leaves a wet spot and this is unpleasant for the unsuspecting owner who happens upon it.

9. Do not wipe your snot on other people.: This is self-explanatory. Just don't do it.

10. Do not bark at Jesus.: If the Lord and his friends happen to be standing around minding their own business, do not bark at them. It is an unnecessary display of hostility towards someone who is willing to die for your sins. And believe me, if you break any of the above rules, Jesus is much more likely to forgive you before the man of the house will, so try to keep yourself on His good side.

TWO RULES WHICH DO NOT APPLY TO EVERYONE:

11. Do not lick the carpet.: Regardless of how irresistible it is or how attractive the odor, DO NOT lick the carpet.

12. Do not eat from someone else's plate.: Aside from the lady of the house, who is free to eat whatever she wants whenever she wants regardless of who it belongs to, no one is allowed to eat from someone else's plate. Period.

Now, for most homes, these rules are probably considered understood and need not be specified. However, in our house these rules are crucial to order and civility. We cannot survive without them. In the absence of these rules, I fear we would become a household of butt dragging, bed wetting, trash picking fools. This way, at least we're all on the same page.